I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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