The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
