he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
