i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
