Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I think I am morally bankrupt
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
