Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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