Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
