listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
