my being single is dangerous.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
