Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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