My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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