oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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