Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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