I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
