there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
