I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Found the puke drawer
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
