I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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