I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
