stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize