i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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