sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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