What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
