I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
