Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
