my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
