Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize