they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
