sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize