it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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