Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
