Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
