here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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