i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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