wrigley field is MILF paradise
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
