I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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