Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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