In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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