I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
