Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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