He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
