if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize