i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
