I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
