i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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