Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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