You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
This is classic penis vs brain.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
