There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize