My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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