Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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