i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
