forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
