I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize