I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
