i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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