my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
