Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
