we have officially lost it.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
