On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
