I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
