Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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