Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
