why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
