Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
