Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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