He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize