I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
