Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
