You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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