i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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