I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
