yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
