Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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