dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
