Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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