Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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